Free time

I left my job so that I'd have more free time. And for that I'm a better runner, a better mom, though just as bad a friend. But the worst part of this new pace is that I have too much free time. It gives me hours to think about whether I'm working enough, whether I'm loving enough, where I'm failing and falling short.

This constant self-evaluation is sometimes crippling. I had PMS to blame on my moodiness the last two weeks, but now that's over and in between happy times, I'm tearful, or on the verge of tears. By the way, do not watch Hotel Rwanda when you're feeling this way unless you need confirmation of what a fucked up world we live in. (Lesson learned yesterday)

Sometimes I think all I need is to be busier--more assignments, more appointments to be at, more people to interview. It was hard to dwell on things and to hang onto people's words for too long when you had a ton of things on your plate. But when your most important decision of the day is whether to make chicken with red onions or with a Thai coconut sauce, you find yourself wondering how you got to where you are.

There are happy times. And what keeps me going is this proverb I once read that said "There is no happiness, just happy moments." And I do have happy moments. And like an addict, I find myself often just looking for the next high.